i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
