took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
