I'm going to rape someone's good day.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
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had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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