Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
