He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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