You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
