My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
