I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
