I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
