I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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