It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
