Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
