I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
