he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
