I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
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She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
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You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.