Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
