i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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