omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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