In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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