So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
