You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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