The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Randomize
