yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
