I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
