I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
