Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Can i not drive my cunt home
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
