my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
