After last night, I could never be a politician.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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