it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
