6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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