You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
