A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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