sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
