Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
And then he peed in my hair
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