There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
