My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
