Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
