I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
