And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
