I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
