get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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