i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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