sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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