I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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