I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
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my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
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Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?