Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE