Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
