Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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