During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
