I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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