I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
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omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
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then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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