he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
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It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
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I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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