Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
