Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
