My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
